Squeezing Your Charmin

So I'm reading my dead tree (the real paper version) edition of the New York Times this morning and right there on the front page is an article about how fluffy toilet paper is costly to forests.

You can read all about it here.

It would seem that the premise of the affronted author is that the manufacture of plush toilet paper is bad because it requires the use of real live trees - as opposed to ass-wipe made entirely from recycled fiber - and therefore should be verboten.

The all-knowing people at Greenpeace have gotten involved too. They have anointed themselves the toilet paper police and are in the vanguard of those who know better than you about what you should use in the privacy of your own privy.

Has it occurred to any of you that they might have too much time on their hands?

Anyway, the fella from Georgia Pacific stated that customers "demand soft and comfortable" and "recycled fiber cannot do it."

Well said. I like soft and comfortable. Moreover, I'm a big fan of Quilted Northern.

When I traveled Europe I was stunned at the poor quality of European toilet paper. For a continent that is capable of turning-out finely crafted German autos that can effortlessly cruise the autobahn, or expensive Swiss watches and superb French wines they fall woefully short on the toilet paper.

Have you ever used European toilet paper? It is a cross between something like deli paper and the tissue used in gift boxes. It's bad.

Getting back to the New York Times article this guy from the Natural Resource Defense Council - Dr. Allen Hershkowitz - says, "No forest of any kind should be used to make toilet paper."

Huh?

I dare the good doctor to get-up in front of everyone at the national tree farm meeting and say that.

I don't know where this moron earned his doctorate or what kind of toilet paper he uses but I want to go on the record to point out to him (and the rest of his desk-bound colleagues over at the Defense Council) that trees are a renewable resource.

Yep. They are grown specifically for the purpose of supplying the paper and fiber industry.

In the interests of full and fair disclosure I will admit to a bias. I am a tree farmer. Therefore I have an economic interest in encouraging everyone to think in terms of soft and comfortable.

So you see Dr. Hershkowitz - this is no different than growing a crop of wheat from which your daily bread is baked. Only the crop rotation is a bit longer - maybe twenty years or so - depending upon how close you are to the equator.

There is this notion in the environmental community that no tree should ever be cut down, ever. For any reason whatsoever.

These misguided souls should read more of Aldo Leopold. The man was a visionary. He said, “Conservation is a state of harmony between men and land.”

Yep. Harmony. That would be like a balance.

Trees are a wonderfully renewable resource. If you cut one down you can always plant more. It is possible to have almost an endless inventory in your supply chain to feed the vast market for plush toilet paper if you plan for it.

And you know - the paper companies plan for it. They purchase their pulp from forests that are sustainably managed.

You might ask - Why would they do that?

And the answer is two-fold and quite simple.

First, their shareholders demand it. (It is always wise to listen to your shareholders).

Second, if they didn't purchase from sustainable sources the supply would dwindle and either become too expensive or evaporate and that would be the end of it. (And it is even wiser to plan not to go out of business).

Do you think anyone over at Greenpeace gets it?

Anyway, I would encourage all of you to ignore the admonitions of the silly Dr. Herskowitz and the don't let the Greenpeace people talk you out of using whatever kind of toilet paper you like.

If these people have so much time on their hands they should be pursuing a very serious and perennial problem. That would be the toilet papering of millions of homes across this vast land during every homecoming and prom season.

Just like that picture you see above. That's the citizenry of Hustisford, Wisconsin in open revolt as they paper their entire town on January 1 of this year. (Photo courtesy of one of my readers).

Where is the Defense Council to defend the trees and the Greenpeace people to spread the peace when you really need them?

Really. How wasteful.